For days now I’ve been avoiding something.  I’ve been running from seemingly simple tasks with the result of sleepless nights and a deep feeling of self loathing.  I’m experiencing my life as out of control, out of my control and at this point in time it feels extremely uncomfortable.  When things are going really well, I don’t mind my life being out of my control because I can say that I’m blessed and taken care of by the Angels or my Guides or by God.  This inner restlessness is taking its toll and I go deeper and deeper.  Yesterday was an amazingly beautiful day with bright sunlight on the thin layer of new snow that arrived the day before.  I went out and hurried to a special place in the forest so that I could enjoy the beauty of creation.  I was deeply moved, but when the evening came I knew that I had not smiled even once during the whole of that extraordinary day.

On October 22nd I was driving my Hyundai van to get to the Alternative Fair in Haugesund, Norway. The first real snow of the season was falling and as I was winding slowly along on the curvy roads in the west, I started slipping and lost control of the vehicle.  As I sat there helpless watching and feeling the car do as it pleased, I was struck with disbelief.  Somehow I thought I would never ever experience what was happening to me at that moment!  Somehow I thought I was exempt from a car accident!  “This is unbelievable” is what went through my head, I may actually have said it out loud as the car skidded sideways, left the road and landed in the worst possible place, as it tucked itself deeply into a creek on its side.  My experience of the fall is blank, or black.  When I came back into my body and mind, I found myself getting wet and instinctively unfastened my seat belt and got to my feet.  Something was unnatural and wrong, I was standing on the door and my boots were filled with ice cold water and it was rising.  In a moment of panic I could see myself drowning and alone in icy water while stuck inside the car.  I frantically tried to open the window, but either I couldn’t find the button for it or it didn’t work, anyway it was just plain wrong to try to make sense of a door that’s above your head, a door that’s supposed to be next to you.  Suddenly I fully  realized that I was in a state of panic and that I was stuck inside of the car.  “BREATHE!”  I heard my own command and took a deep breath, looked down and noticed that the water had stopped rising just above my knees  so now I knew that my brain was working again and that I would not drown.  After several unsuccessful tries I was finally able to push the door above my head open enough to get a foot in the crack and then pull myself out.

So why am I writing about this now?  Well, I guess it’s because the degree of my self loathing has reached a point where it can get no worse and this is the only way I know of to release it.  The self loathing has to do with not facing or doing what I think I need to or should do.  By the way, when my friend Paul Rademacher the author of “A Spiritual Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe” and a man that I deeply respect wrote of his self loathing in the forward of his book, well then I figured, so can I in my blog.

There are two tasks at hand:

1.  Fill in the insurance claim to get some money to replace all the electronic equipment and  other items that were either ruined or lost in the water. (Travel insurance only, no car insurance.)

2.  Write something really smart so that it can be published so that I can start having an income.  (I’m supposed to be a writer, it’s what I do.)

So what am I doing while not doing these two important tasks?  Let’s see, I drink coffee and then I read.  After reading I go outside and work with the wood, cutting down spruce trees and clearing up.  Back inside, cook a meal and eat.  I look at my computer and do everything possible to avoid turning it on and getting to work.   To alleviate the pain of my avoidance, I do a different “should ” task  that I’ve been avoiding;  yoga.  Ok, so I do some simple yoga exercises and feel better, but I know that I’m still not filling in my insurance claim and I know that I’m not writing anything at all, let alone anything  worthy of publishing.  So what am I afraid of?

Instead of writing, I’m blogging.  While listening to one of the Norwegian Broadcasting radio  stations yesterday I was reminded of all the people who blog. The topic was on what subject matter should not be shared in a blog. They were referring to certain people who share about their personal problems.  One of them, Ida Jackson has been awarded the best blogger award three times.  She blogs about her experiences as a patient in a psychiatric ward.  Through the interview we understand that Ida never expected such a huge response to her blog, she just needed an outlet for her experiences and thoughts.  Ida said she hoped the positive response meant that our society was getting “warmer”, that there is no shame in sharing problems.

What am I so afraid of? (Sorry if I’m skipping all over the place here, but in my mind it makes sense.)  “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”  Pema Chödrön opens the first chapter of her book “When Things Fall Apart” with these words.  I have come a little closer to the truth and with the help of Pema I hope to be able to move forward.

I took a break from writing this post, I sorted out some papers and prepared a meal and during the process of these simple tasks it hit me.  Eureka!!   I now  understand why it is so difficult for me to fill out the insurance claim form.  As Pema said, I was getting close to a painful truth and therefore the resistance was massive. Today is the 12th of November, the accident happened on the 22nd of October, that’s a lot of procrastination!  The reason is not a simple one, if it was the task would have been done two weeks ago.  I’ll have to cover it in a new post at a later date.  No, no, no, it has to  be now or never.

As a child of the baby boom generation (late babyboomer) I grew up feeling (and probably acting) different from most of my peers.  I have many memories of not fitting in, of not being of the mold, of being outside of the norm, of being looked at as strange and weird.  Of course, I didn’t understand it at the time and the feeling was still there in my adult life, except that I could pretend it was not.  Today every child born is special, the children of today come to us with a higher frequency and a load of knowledge that only a few of us had when I was growing up.  Indigo children, Star children, Crystal children and many more are coming and will keep coming.  Sometimes I listen to hayhouseradio.com  an online, positive, radio station where many of the wonderful authors published by Hay House Press have their own shows.  Through listening to the different spiritual people I gain a deeper understanding of myself and of others.

Anyhow, back to the solution: it’s as simple as being upset because my accident does not fit the form that needs to be filled in for the insurance company.  The form for travel insurance asks for flight numbers and such, my trip was a road trip by car. The form asks where the items were stolen and did I report it to the police.  No, nothing was stolen and the police were not involved, my stuff just got drowned and most of my electronics like my lap top, camera, iPod, cell phone, electronic gadget to get into my online banking  and so on, is no longer functional .  It’s as simple and complicated as that. Simply that I have difficulties dealing when I don’t fit the form – now that I’ve recognized it – it’s over!

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